Clarity

Life is this constant distillation of everything coming at us. While we go about our days, our senses are assessing what information to process consciously and what to throw out. A lot of what our senses take in, never comes before our mind’s eye–like when you’ve been in a room with a certain monotonous sound for a while and you no longer hear it consciously, your brain started throwing that input out.

As I’ve moved into adulthood, adding more and more complexities to my life, I’ve gotten so swamped with phone calls, email, text messaging, advertising, bills, work to-dos, home to-dos, shopping to-dos, fun things I want to do, music, sounds, people, people, people, friends, family, work, school—at some point I started to plug my ears. A haphazard sort of sensory withdrawal. Like pouring water into the center of a barrel that’s already overflowing, I could not continue to process or contain the amount of energy coming at me, using my old modes. At some point I quit believing that I could keep up with everything.

An artistic representation of my stress level.

It took some extreme discomfort to make me see change as the only solution. What do I mean by extreme? In one month I lost my debit & credit cards and day planner and had $100 and my iPod stolen from me–except for the credit and debit card, each was its own isolated event. On top of that there are bills I need to pay, and companies I need to call to ask why I’ve been billed, there are tickets to pay, and a car to be smogged. I won’t bother to list the little slip-ups and things slipped through the cracks at work…So yeah, I’ve totally fallen behind on all of this “adult” stuff.

Top secret parenting formula?

It’s hard for me to believe that we don’t include this in our education system, Adult 101: How to Make it Through Young Adulthood without Wasting Thousands of Dollars due to your Own Disorganization. I mean really, does anyone get this right without fucking up a little at first? If so, who are you? Can I interview your parents? They should write a book….

I now realize (and Laura, my boss, in different words, tried to tell me this months ago)…that when I sit down in front of the computer, I need to have some priorities set. I need to have a clear idea of why the hell I’m sitting there. I’m going about my life without having a clear idea of what the fuck I’m doing at any given time. Did I sit down at the computer so I could spend a cumulative 4 hours chatting on Facebook on a sunny day? No! I sat down to work, but in order for me to work efficiently, I need to know what tasks I want to accomplish, and when I’m going to call it good, and take a break for a bit.

I never made a New Year’s Resolution this year, so 5 months late to the day here’s mine: from now on, I’m going to bring awareness to what I’m doing, not just the immediacy of the task, but in context with

Not a pretty sight.

the rest of my day, and the various parts of my life that I’m balancing. I will no longer stick my head in the sand as a stress response, because, as my friend Katey pointed out to me, unopened envelopes don’t just disappear, you just get new ones with bigger numbers on pink paper with red typeface to emphasize what a failure at life you are.

Discomfort is a part of life, so I’m trying to view this moment as a burgeon of change.  Breaking out of old patterns is hard, it takes energetic output, so in order for one to ever bother to go through that process, one has to reach a point, where continuing along the old path is obviously going to be more painful than it is to forge a new one. Rather than continue the known pain-producing pattern, one decides to move into the unknown.

The Hanged Man, in the tarot deck is such a powerful symbol. I drew it once in a card reading a long time ago. The person interpreting my reading told me that The Hanged Man represents an uncomfortable moment of realization. Though he is hanging upside down, he realizes that he’s hanging, and is left with nothing but his own ideals, his own truth, to hang by–everything else has failed him. Though he’s in an uncomfortable position, he finally knows what will bear his weight, and what isn’t supportive at all and in that knowing is beauty and potential for a lot of growth.

Through experiencing discomfort, one can find clarity. So here’s to clarity, discomfort, change, and embracing these hanging-upside-down-from-one-foot moments in life!

Maybe it's time I started aerials?

PS I know this post was long, so I put in photos to compensate. Now you can watch this cool video if you feel like wasting more time—Hey! Wait a minute! Why did YOU sit down at your computer??? To read my blog?? Probably not! Get back to work! Or to life–whatever it is you were doing, and enjoy it! 🙂